People pleasers in our society do more harm than good in their relationship. We live in a world where people often value the opinions of others above theirs, which makes it easy to fall into the trap of being a people pleaser. This tendency can have profound effects on our relationships, especially in the context of marriage. However, as believers, we are called to a higher standard, one rooted in the timeless wisdom of the Bible. Join me in expounding more on people pleasers as we understand who they are, the dangers of being a people pleaser, and how to attain freedom.
Understanding People Pleaser
The Scriptures teach us that our ultimate allegiance should be to God, not to the ever-changing opinions of those around us. Galatians 1:10 reminds us, “For am, I now seeking the approval of man, or God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” People pleaser simply implies those people or individuals who value other people’s opinions about them rather than what they think, they depend on people’s validation concerning their life and also try to please others even at the expense of their happiness or loved ones.
The Dangers of People Pleasing in Marriage:
When we prioritize the approval of others, we risk compromising the authenticity of our relationships, particularly in marriage. Ephesians 5:22-33 beautifully illustrates the mutual love and respect between spouses, emphasizing the importance of seeking God’s approval above all else. People-pleasing tendencies in marriage can pose several dangers that can affect the well-being of both partners and the relationship as a whole. Here are six potential dangers, they include:
1. Identity Crisis:
In Galatians 1:10 (ESV), “For am I now seeking the approval of man or God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” People-pleasers may lose sight of their true identity and worth as they seek constant approval from their spouse. Oftentimes they become vulnerable and inferior, surviving by the mercies of what others say they are or should do.
2. Unhealthy Dynamics:
The imbalance caused by people-pleasing can lead to unhealthy power dynamics in the relationship, hindering open communication and mutual decision-making. The Bible in Ephesians 5:21 (NIV) makes us understand that we should, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Christ should be the reason and motive for doing anything as a child of God.
3. Suppressed Emotions:
Ephesians 4:26-27 (NIV) confirms, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Suppressed emotions are one of the dangers of people pleasing as people pleasers tend to suppress their own emotions and needs, leading to unresolved conflicts and unmet expectations which can lead to bitterness, grudges, malice, and contention which are sins against God.
4. Lack of Authenticity:
The desire to please may result in a lack of authenticity thereby preventing genuine connection and intimacy in the marriage. Proverbs 31:30 (ESV) declares, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”
5. Burnout and Resentment:
Continual people-pleasing can lead to burnout and resentment, as individuals feel overwhelmed by the demands of always trying to meet others’ expectations. Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV), tells us of God’s provisions extension of help and hope, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
6. Loss of Personal Growth:
Another danger of pleasing people is loss of personal growth. People-pleasers could neglect their personal growth and development all in the name of being loved, appreciated, and felt among others which adversely hinders their ability to contribute positively to the relationship. 2 Peter 3:18 (NIV) gives the right attitude to follow as beliefs, it says, “But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen.”
Breaking Free from The Habit of People Pleaser Through Biblical Truths
Breaking free from people-pleasing tendencies in marriage and relationships is a transformative journey that involves rediscovering your identity in Christ and establishing healthy boundaries. Here are some steps, to help you accomplish this:
1. Identity in Christ:
Embracing our identity in Christ is crucial in breaking free from people-pleasing habits. 2 Corinthians 5:17 reminds us that, “Therefore, if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature: old has gone away; behold, all things have become new!” Ground your identity in Christ, recognizing that your worth comes from Him, not from the opinions of others. Identifying with Christ should be a top priority for believers because in him is our hope and reward.
2. Love Unconditionally:
In Ephesians 4:2, we are urged to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” This biblical principle encourages us to prioritize love over the fear of others’ opinions, fostering a healthy, God-centered marriage.
3. Seeking God’s Approval:
As a child of God, it’s mandatory we shift our focus from seeking approval from others to seeking God’s approval. The Apostle Paul, in Galatians 1:10, challenges us to seek God’s approval rather than the approval of man. Applying this principle in marriage helps build a foundation rooted in God’s Word, freeing us from the chains of people-pleasing.
4. Set Healthy Boundaries:
Setting healthy boundaries is one of the ways to break free from the habit of people pleasers. Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) admonishes us that, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Learn to set and communicate healthy boundaries to protect your well-being and maintain a balanced relationship.
5. Practice Authentic Communication:
The Bible in Ephesians 4:15 (NIV) reminds us to, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” To have a relationship where God dwells, fostering open and honest communication within your relationship, and sharing your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment becomes a necessity for a lasting and enduring relationship.
6. Focus on God’s Will:
Another way of breaking free from person pleasers habit focus on God’s will which is possible by aligning your actions with God’s will rather than trying to fulfill the expectations of others (men). Colossians 3:23 (ESV) encourages us, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.”
7. Learn to Say “No”:
Recognize and practice the power of saying “no” when necessary, understanding that it is not a rejection of others but a preservation of your well-being. Matthew 5:37 (NIV) confirms, “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”
8. Prioritize Self-Care:
In Psalm 23:1-3, the Bible records, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters, he restoreth my soul.” This tells us how important God values our soul and well-being. Hence, we should make self-care a priority, taking time to rest, rejuvenate, and nurture our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.:
9. Surround Yourself with Supportive Community:
In Proverbs 13:20 (NIV), the Bible enjoins us to, “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” Therefore, as a believer to be able to break free from people pleasers habit, we must seek the company of a supportive community that encourages personal growth and celebrates our authentic selves.
Conclusion
Breaking free from people-pleasing requires a continual reliance on God’s guidance and the courage to embrace the unique identity He has given you. As we navigate the complexities of marriage and relationships, let us strive to break free from the bondage of people-pleasing. By cultivating and abiding by the principles outlined above, we can build marriages that reflect the sacrificial love exemplified by Christ on the cross. Trust in His love from today and seek His will as you navigate the path toward a healthier and more authentic relationship that honors God and cultivates relationships that stand the test of time.
